Sadness, Laughter and Big Black Bags

Helped a friend with a sad chore yesterday. It was the husband of my best friend, Brenda. She passed away from cancer on March 24 while I was in Israel. I wasn't able to go to the funeral as I was still there.

Coming home to deal with the grief was difficult. All the closure events had been completed and the times I would have spent in fellowship with Ray and the boys were absent. I've been able to find comfort with a mutual friend, Mary. Brenda, Mary and I met weekly over a number of years since they retired from their teaching positions.

Yesterday, I helped Ray bag up Brenda's clothing for donation. Another friend was there to help and we were able to get it all bagged and ready to put in the back of the pick up truck in two hours. You may not think that was much of an accomplishment but you have to realize, Brenda loved to shop, loved clothes and NEVER, EVER got rid of anything.

When we were done the pick up bed was packed full, tightly, with large black garbage bags. There were two bags in the cab of the truck also. I took a large bag of gently used tennis shoes to the YMCA for the donation box there. This was after 2 teenage girls who wear the same size had made a large dent in the quantity of pairs.

Through the work, we laughed as we remembered Brenda and commented on the overabundance of numerous similar items she had. There were at least six green print purses. I think every spring she bought a new green print purse as a nod to the change of seasons.

We remembered other snippets of our lives together, too. Maybe you think it strange that such a sad chore can be filled with joy and laughter. Shouldn't it be a time of grief?

My mother died in 1994 of cancer, so I've been down this path before. The day I realized that she was dying I went to the church I had gone to as a child. I needed someone to speak to about the thought of losing my mom. Even though I didn't live in the town anymore and wasn't one of the Pastor's flock he was gracious enough to speak with me.

What he told me impacted my life then and I've shared it a number of times since.

Everyone does about the same amount of grieving. Yes, there are exceptions when people get stuck in their grief, but for the most part it's true. The difference is when the grieving occurs. It is either done before the death or after.

In my mother's and Brenda's cases, the grieving was done before. We realized they were dying. There was time to process that fact. There were things needing to be done and care for the dying given. Nights spent awake thinking about the impending death. Watching the loved one decline in health and increase in suffering. While death is never a relief we come to the realization that our loved one is too young to die but to sick to live.

In God's mercy He calls them home. We don't want them to go, but we also don't want them to suffer.

I also have friends who have lost loved ones suddenly. It's so painful to watch them go into the grieving process as it comes on so quickly like a tsunami rather than a rising tide of gentle waves.

So we are grieving for Brenda. I'm fighting my tears now as I write this. I will miss her the rest of my life. But I will also laugh at her foibles and remember, with joy, raising our boys together and all the phone calls and times we spent in each other's company.

As I told Brenda, the last time I saw her. "It wasn't supposed to end this way. I love so very much."